Now

It's nearly 5am, my favorite hour. Clause, my favorite hour provided it's not the last hour before I have to be productive. I am a morning thinker, I am not a morning doer. 

Mama is a Capricorn and daddy is a Virgo. makes sense the two of them made another earth sign. Agreeing on me energetically before I ever came to be. Summer conception, I was the result of sunshine intoxication and the promise of vitality. Everything about me was meant to bring life. Bear fruit. 

I lay and sing John Mayer songs in my head. Slow dancing in a burning room. To the newer born and raised. Sliding my chord progressions through paradise valley, I wonder who'll ever love the way I love John. I wonder if I ever meet him briefly. Then I assert to my curiosity that of course I will. We're going to write a song together. Dreams I tell myself are the blueprint. 

I imagine myself more fully realized. Unable to make out the specifics of my physical, I first notice my light. I'm radiant. I am also elusive. Now understanding the sacredness of exchanging energy, I become protective of my own. My work is renowned but I remain hard to reach and harder to hold. Is she alone, I wonder?  

I always wanted to be a mother. I found the calling to be one of reverence. Not every woman was meant for it and not every mother was a good one. But each shared an understanding of the world and her place in it in a way that was different from the childless. How could you get that close to God and not be changed? 

I wonder if I wasted too much time learning my value. Too many tears spent hoping I could love someone into loving me. Too many years spent waiting to know if he loved me as if his inaction and apathy were not clear enough. You gave yourself away, for free. 

It wasn't perfect by any means but when you looked me in the eye, our bodies connected in all the ways one could be connected...it wasn't just my body that trembled. It awakened something in me that was dormant but strong. You looked at me, at Me. Others sought or evaded what you captured and admired; I call you out on it and you're embarrassed. I think it took us both by surprise but now I only want to be seen. To be made love to as if I were all the treasure in the world. Aren't I?  

Blurred memories of the night before. Did you ask to hold me? Pulling me into you, wrapping your arms tight against my body securing what's yours, I feel you breathing. I silently beg you to kiss me but you simply hold on. I wonder what it takes to make you relinquish control. You move your hand to mine and weave out fingers through my own. This sort of intimacy is stronger than sex.  

Drifting happily back to sleep through my magic witching hour with John and all the men I've loved before. Our love was comfortable so broken-in. See? He knows us. Hold me tight like you did that night. Let me lull myself to sleep with his guitar and your heartbeat. I pull the sheets up around my skin. I haven't learned a thing. What kind of mom would I be? The kind to tell her daughters how high love can lift you and her sons how to recognize Sunshine when they saw it.  

Mama and Daddy might've made me to be salt of the earth, but it sure doesn't extinguish the fire in my heart; my love caught in an endless cycle of creation and destruction. I'm already becoming her I think. Too vast to be contained. It appears my growth is right on schedule.