Intentions and Disappointments

Featured Photo by Debra Cartwright @DebraCartwright 

I've kept a blog consistently since May 2008. In my blogs, I have written about boyfriends, girl(space)friends, a girlfriend, trauma, healing, health, and everything in between. One consequence of my candor is people would often talk to me as though we were picking up where we left off. Mid-sentence or mid-thought because to them, they had been speaking to me as they read my stories. 

One particular interaction stands out to me. I was working a conference once, it was the kind of conference that required a strict boundary be set between staff and conference attendees. During the conference a reader of mine tried to strike up a conversation with me, one of those that was mid-thought. I was caught off-guard and also in "work-mode" and the result was her meeting a version of me that was not engaged nor particularly warm. Later she wrote to me saying how disappointed she was in our meeting and how she felt like she knew me from my blogs but after meeting me, she did not know if she was a fan anymore. Then, I was distraught. I apologized and searched myself for what I could have done differently, read: better. When the truth is, sometimes your fav is a dud. 

I met a fellow blogger once while on a trip with friends. She and I had mutual friends in common so I thought between our acquaintances and hobby, we would hit it off. We didn't. In fact, I found her to be so rude that I was completely disenchanted from her blog and brand as a whole. This, I thought, is why it's not always entirely necessary to meet your mentors.

When I see work that I admire or would love to be a part of, I pause a beat before I speak the words "I wish I could meet XXX". I have tried to separate the work from the person and truly interrogate my intentions to be in the company of any specific creator. It is rare that I admire both a person and their product. Taylor Swift? Bitch can write a song like nobody's business, but I don't necessarily need her to come to my birthday party. Same for--and people might crucify me for this--but the Obamas. Don't get me wrong, I remain in deep admiration for who they are and what they have done as public servants but I'd rather not peek behind the curtain. 

My dad would always say, "You don't always want to know how the sausage is made". For some people, the same is true. Especially with artists. We can be moody, irritable, eccentric, neurotic, and demanding. Still, there are a few people I'd love to couch-sit with and have a full bodied conversation with. It's a short list: 

• Oprah Winfrey: I would love to talk to her about what being and working in service of spirit looks like as a millennial;
• Maxine Waters: I want to discuss working on behalf of women and how we can support political activism without necessarily running for public office;
•  Necole Kane: This conversation is probably highest on my list. Yes, even above Oprah. But I just know Necole and I would have bomb convo about building a brand with authenticity and vulnerability serving as the cornerstones. How do you follow your arrow? How do you tune out the noise? How do you stay true to yourself and still afford life and all its necessities? 
• Shawn "Jay-Z" Carter: art as wealth, art as wisdom, art as activism; is there a better conversation to be had? How do we frame the problem [with black america] and then how do we go about the solution? Is rapping million dollar advice for $9.99 enough? I also think that Shawn has a keen eye for metaphor and symbolism. I'd loooove to wax poetic with him about allusion and archetypes. 
• Ericka Hart: I have actually already told Ericka I want to meet her and on my next trip to NY, if our stars align, I'm doing just that. We are long overdue for a conversation about intersectionality, health, art and activism and how being an advocate for the "&" can be so difficult because no one wants to leave you liminal. 

My list of people I want to work with is longer, as is my list of celebrities I would not mind meeting. However having meaningful conversations? Much fewer and further between, and I've learned that that's okay. One day, I want to learn film-making under Ava DuVernay. If I met her and she was a total nightmare (OMG I could not imagine this!) but the fact would still remain that I was learning film making from AVA DUVERNAY! My enthusiasm is in what she is able to bring out and reveal as an artist, not whether or not we can laugh about that funny thing that happened yesterday. 

Still, I know that whether they are on my "couch-sit list" or not, every person I met can teach me something. Something about the world, the human experience, and most of all something about myself. No encounter is ever by chance or in vain. And sometimes when you learn how the sausage is made, you go vegetarian...but other times, it makes you appreciate good product that much more.