Losing Things
Kim Kardashian filed for a divorce after 72 days of marriage and I'm stepping into my role as a leader; the two things are absolutely related. First of all, she wrote a letter to her fans on her blog and in it she expresses the following, "I rushed in to something too soon. I believed in love and the dream of what I wanted so badly. I felt like I was on a fast roller coaster and couldn’t get off when now I know I probably should have. I got caught up with the hoopla and the filming of the TV show that when I probably should have ended my relationship, I didn’t know how to and didn’t want to disappoint a lot of people. I’m being honest here and I hope you respect my courage because this isn’t easy to go through. But I do know that I have to follow my heart. I never had the intention of hurting anybody and I accept full responsibility for my actions and decisions, and for taking everyone on this journey with me. It just didn’t turn out to be the fairy tale I had so badly hoped for."
As I read it so much of it sounded like everything I felt after I ended my last relationship. Having to admit to everyone but mostly to yourself that you have been forcing something, that you have been ignoring your own happiness, that you have need to make a change...all of those things just rushed back to my awareness and I felt incredibly empathic towards Kim. I also prayed a prayer that she never forget to follow her heart. Maybe I’m in the minority here, but I really feel badly for Kim. I applaud her ability to love so openly, and I know it isn’t easy to “answer” to the court of public opinion. As someone who understands what its like to force it, I admire her ability to say enough is enough despite everything that was at stake—she basically put her reputation on the line. Just goes to show, self-love is and has to be the thing that guides us. And speaking of which...
Last night I made a connection between something that my professor said three weeks ago and where we happened to be at the time. She said that conflict resolution is about managing loss. It made me think of how so much of the work I did as a counselor was grief work; helping people to manage a loss--be it loss of a person, a dream, an ideal or identity. Academically, in my class we are being forced to "lose" our idea of what a class is, what a teacher does, what a student does, etc. Personally, I have had to stretch my definition of myself to include more these days; my idea of who I am has exploded. I thought I was a leader but my discomfort with attention had me questioning myself. I had to stretch to include public speaker. I heard a lesson from Eckert Tolle, he said "We believe we are the picture of ourselves that we have in our head, but we are not. A dog does not have a picture of himself, a dog is just a dog and we are just ourselves. " I am just myself. Kim is just herself. And in a sense we both had to lose things to find something else within us.
I lost a boyfriend, and maybe even a best friend; but what I have gained is the knowing of what I want and need in love. Knowing that I am capable of love and knowing that I want it. I told Ri Ri how much I don't like disgenuine or superficial relationships and its true. That is why I hate dating. Am I ready for love again? I could never say that I'm not because I am open to whatever blessing God sends my way. I'll say this, I'm ready for that love all the girls who love love want, no need to describe because Carrie said it best, "I'm someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient,consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love. And I don't think that love is here in this expensive suite in this lovely hotel in Paris." And really, 'Paris' is everywhere an ex lies, everywhere that isn't here. In closing Kim said, "I’m sorry if I have hurt anyone, but my dad always told me to follow my heart and I believe now that I really am." You can't be mad at that. Be present (not in a dream). Tell the truth (even if its inconvenient). Let go of the consequences of telling the truth (man is neither judge nor jury, you must listen to your heart--God lives there).