La Douleur Exquise!

Perhaps the greatest Sex lesson of all...

Carrie: One minute he’s all over me, and the next minute he’s pushing me away. And I just cannot believe this is happening… again. (bangs on the table) Why do I keep doing this to myself? I must be a masochist or something.

Carrie Voice-over: That’s when I first realized it. I was in an SM relationship with Mr. Big…   In love relationships there is a fine line between pleasure and pain. In fact, it’s a common belief that a relationship without pain is a relationship not worth having. To some, pain implies growth. But how do we know when the growing pains stop, and the pain pains take over? Are we masochists or optimists if we continue to walk that fine line? When it comes to relationships, how do you know when enough is enough?

I've never referred to any guy as my Mr. Big--maybe I don't want to jinx it, and maybe because its a little like believing in fairy tales.  In any case, I have not.  Once E joked that I was Mr. Big (of any other character from the series) but that's as close as big has come to being cast in my  life.  But take the lesson...two weeks ago CR and I laid on my couch talking about love and relationships.  I told him how I'd gone crazy thinking something was wrong with me in that I couldn't bring myself to like the "good guy" like I was supposed to.  He asked about P2AD--I told him the full story.  He said, "Some part of you must get off on it, the drama, because you stay."  My reaction was a disgusted face and two words, "How sick."  La Douleur Exquise--the exquisite pain.

I hadn't thought much of the conversation, though it hadn't completely gone away either.  Not until last night after 18 missed calls and a text asking "are we done?"  I laughed, quizzically, and went back to Perry street thinking, "We're so over we need a new word for over."  Is that bad that I live my life in words of Michael Patrick King?

I was talking to Cleo about life and how while we know we want husbands and kids and the house with the fence dream, but right now?  Some (large) part of me just wants to be ratchet.  Unattached, unreserved, but still responsible to some end.  Why is there a need to act right? Why put that kind of pressure of myself? Nor do I want to think that there's something wrong with me because I don't want a man right now.  If the weekend taught me nothing else it taught me to be grateful and thankful and to know that I am perfectly made by the hands of God and nothing short of him can defeat me or destroy me.  La Victoire Exquise-- the exquisite victory.