I wasn’t sure where to begin. How or where to even start. Should I start by saying how it all happened? Was I even sure of how it happened myself? Instead of trying to figure out where I am going to end, instead I am just going to write everything on my heart as it comes to me. With absolutely no agenda other than processing, healing, and a deadline of 11:11.
Read MoreWe sat there in silence. Naked on our respective sides of the bed, backs turned to one another. Not even five minutes before I had been completely tangled up in him with his mouth inches from my neck and his arms wrapped around me. Now, there was the width of the entire bed between us and nobody seemed interested in changing that.
Read MoreAnd I don’t know if it’s the truth, but perhaps I’ve been too humble all along. Perhaps in my carrying the weight of responsibility for my assault I was stopping myself from manifesting the very best. I was energetically punishing myself and it wasn’t humility at all, it was punitive and prohibitive and for that, Jessica, I am so sorry. I didn’t know.
Read MoreI don’t have the energy to keep fighting for things I’m bound to lose. All I can do is let them go. I can’t keep worrying about paying rent when I know I am not in a position to do so and trying to do so has only cost me in other ways. It’s time to pivot. It’s time to lean not into my own understanding. It’s time to ACCEPT that right now? I’m a broke ass charity case but that is not the end of my story.
Read MoreIn a conversation with my friend Courtney, I shared with her that I was always a smart child who didn’t really get into trouble or cause many waves. However, I think because I was smart and well mannered there was an assumption that emotionally I was just as intelligent. In my adulthood I’m learning that is not the case at all. I told her “...by the time I realized I wasn’t as mature as I was supposed to be, I was an adult.”
Read MoreI guess it seems rather simple to some, I’m going to love myself. But it’s more than that. It’s, I’m going to honor myself as though I were the love of my life. I’m going to cater to myself. I’m going to adorn and adore myself. For one simple reason: I deserve the love I have to give.
Read MoreTW/CW: Rape, Sexual Assault, PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Self Harm, Eating Disorder
I did not “ask for it” in any way. My clothes were not provocative. I said “no” to the point of tears until I was physically made to keep quiet. It was not just “rough sex” as the detective would ask me the day after when I made my police report. This wasn’t a misunderstanding, this was rape. I said no. He told me it wasn’t my place to tell me no. I’d never been in a fight before that night. No grade school scuffles or screaming matches. My first fight was for my life with a 6’8” 300+ lbs sexual predator. Now, when I’m provoked, I go back to that place. He’s still inside me, and that was the thing I NEVER wanted.
Read MoreI am not who I used to be. I feel so strong, and present and centered and most of all, I feel like love. I forgive myself for everything I did to survive the rough waters. I love myself for never giving up. I trust myself. I care for myself and I know I’m going to move forward in life with the intention of prioritizing my souls peace.
If it took me losing everything to learn what was most important, then it was well worth the journey. I’ve gotten over the “okay God, I’m ready for the come up” rush. I’m learning to enjoy where I am. In this moment, of survival but promise and of limited means but limitless faith.
Read MoreWhen I couldn’t pay my bills, I felt like less of a human. Less of a woman. Less of a capable and able bodied adult. when I’m actuality, I was just broke. That’s it. My income or lack thereof should not, and will never again, dictate who I KNOW myself to be. Still, our society says “you’ve made it” when you can claim a six figure salary, have a beautiful craftsman style single family home, drive a nice German car and take family vacations to the happiest place on earth. I had to dissociate myself from that narrative and create my own.
Read MoreI believe this much firmly, when you have unshakeable knowing of who you are, decisions are easy to make. When you start to doubt or wonder or allow other people places and things to inform that decision, decisions become more difficult. Our ego is a fan of applause, hungry and dependent on external roles, relationships, or material things to define you. But your Soul doesn’t need it. She knows who she is and what she wants and isn’t interested in arguing about it, in fact you’ll find She will never argue. Find that voice inside yourself and follow her to the end of the earth if you have to, because if your soul lead you there then there must have been something you needed to see, even if it was just for the view.
Read MoreThe bag, in all its instagrammable glory, will not keep you whole, Sis.
I had a job. I had a car. I had a condo. I had friends. I had vacations and happy hours and everything I could’ve ever wanted in life and yet when I was assaulted? everything I “had” couldn’t fill the void of Me.
Read MoreAs I sit here alone, I think God—I want someone who chooses me...and God? I never want to have to ask them to.
Read MoreFor the past week I have been binging the Bravo hit franchise “Real Housewives of Potomac”. First let me say I approached the show with heavy skepticism because, quite honestly, I have to take Housewives in doses; used to the wild over-the-top antics on franchises like Atlanta or New York. However from the very first episode of Potomac, I was hooked.
Read MoreI was scared as shit to record this video. Then, I recorded. I cried (a few times). I edited very lightly, just cutting out a few sneezes and coughs and then I hit upload. I set an intention for this post that it yield eyes. That people share it and begin to ask themselves how fear is holding them hostage? Then, I hope that people book my services. I hope that I can begin to grow and have the universe affirm my career choice as a metaphysician, healer, artist and educator.
Read MoreI am a sexy woman. My body is full and voluptuous; poetic sex in motion. I have never had a problem finding suitors to warm my bed and adore my body. But it has grown insufficient.
Read MoreI recently referred to myself as a teacher and metaphysician and as soon as I did my whole body felt a chill. Who in the hell had I become? And what in the world is a metaphysician?
Read MoreTeaching changed my life. I can’t quite describe what happens when I step in front of a classroom to instruct a course, but I can tell you it’s magical. I wring myself out in my classrooms, giving my students every ounce of my energy in those hours. It’s an exchange of energy dedicated to inquiry and wonder rather than right answers. It’s an invitation to join in cognitive play with a purpose. Have you ever been present for 2 hours while trying to also make a point? It ain’t easy.
Read MoreI did what I said I was never going to do again—resign from a position without another one secured. Granted, I was not expecting to quit my job. I was asked to resign for reasons I have hypothesized and agonized to death over for weeks now. Even though I know, ultimately, it was only a matter of time. I tell myself they did me a favor. Something I never would have had the guts to do on my own. Leap.
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