Rejection

I didn’t get the job. In my heart, I knew when I had not heard anything in two weeks, that the job was not going to be offered to me. The news is freshly confirmed after an email I have yet to respond to; what was I supposed to say? What am I supposed to say? I don’t have anything gracious or wise to offer, so the correspondence sat unanswered. Sits unanswered.

Last week, I had a man say to me the same things to me that my rapist did on the night he assaulted me. Though the words were said via text and for all intents and purposes, I was safe, I was shaken. Am shaken. I woke up to soaking wet sheets. Panic. Terror. Restlessness. Dis ease. I invited a friend to spend the night without revealing the reason. When they woke to go to work I felt like I would fall apart. They are not leaving you I tried to reassure myself, they are just leaving… Still in the chill of the morning air I was greeted with rejection. What I needed and what I found myself wanting was something steady. Consistency. To be chosen, consistently.

I told myself as I moved through the interview process that I would show up as authentically as I could and that if I did not get the job, it would be because of fit. And I would be okay with the rejection. Today in the moment, I feel emotional for many different reasons. Chief among them being, not good enough. I am wanted until I am not. And I am always left with compliments which only confuse me more. The kind rejection was triggering. Sweetness mixed with swift pain, I remembered where I first felt this confusion and I cry even harder folded into myself.

I am allowing myself to cry and filling my tears with the outdated idea that I am unworthy in any way. I truly know it is not true, even if it very much the way I feel in this moment.

I dread the job search. And quite honestly, I do not know if it is in me to search and interview and deal with rejection for the sake of survival in a broken system.

Where does this leave me? Healing. I am not someone who can bounce back quickly. I am not someone who can leave her heart out of the game, that is not and will never be me. When I’m ready to resume I trust that my body will tell me. For now, though, I need time to heal because this hurts. And that’s okay. I am allowed this time. I am allowed to hurt and to heal and take a moment to be extremely tender.