Monkey Traps

I pulled cards today. Well, wait...first I talked to my best friend, my Person. I told her that I felt like I needed a good cry because of all the things that have been happening lately I've felt the, but it s like the emotion of it has been at bay. I have not cried. Felt anger. Felt sadness. Nothing more than fleeting recognition of what would be "normal" in situations such as the ones I have endured as of late. And yet, I have remained eerily okay. I asked the question, "Where am I?" And I pulled the card that was glowing brightly. It was the card which read: Contemplation. When I looked up the meaning of the card it said in the opening lines, "An enlightened perspective doesn't differentiate between the self and the whole of existence. There are no lines of separation. The approach is one of, 'I am all that I perceive; all that is resides in me.' This is a time for reflecting upon life, retreating from activity and involvement with the busy mind, and experiencing the profound nature of lol detachment." Well...

Then, of course, I did the i'ching and was told, "Others will respect you not because of any show of cleverness or boastful attempts to impress on your part, but because of your natural simplicity and sincerity. You don't have to say a word--the ability to maintain composure and persevere even during times of difficulty speaks volumes about your personal integrity." I understood. Not only did I understand, but I agreed. And of course I did...I pulled the card. I threw the coins. That aside, though, it affirms the feelings I have been having.

I have been in a place of total detachment. I have been watching myself from the moon, seeing things come and go, people leave again for the last time, friends be who they always were even in the face of an opportunity to do something different. I told My Person, "in middle, high school and college, I had this pack mentality...but that's not me." It goes back to the thing Ty told me, "You are a person who wants connection above all things and by any means necessary." I see what this has cost me. In wanting connection so desperately I have put up with incredibly selfish behavior from people, I have tolerated treatment which makes me cringe to even recall and forgiven what many would call unforgivable. I do not regret it, because I don't want to carry that with me but I am at a place of really understanding that not everyone deserves all of me. My love is too sunshine to be thrown back in my face.

Not only that, but what have I done for connection that had nothing to do with anyone else? I was looking at a photo of myself as a kid. I would have bet any amount of money that the picture was someone else because in my head I was this morbidly obese kid...only I wasn't. I stared at this picture in near disbelief because it was like I saw myself for the first time and I remember thinking, "it was a story." The things you tell yourself you are you become, and whatever follows, "I am..." Will come looking for you. It manifests because we make it so, thoughts become things.

It was like ice cold water to the face. How was it that I was wrong about myself? How did I miss this? It was through this time of complete contemplation that I was able to see some of these things. It began to worry me last night when, after losing my way my hands began to shake and I had to pull over and breathe just to manage my anxiety. It was like I was unwilling to break down. I would not allow myself to cry. And, yes...I like the idea of seeing the greater purpose of being beyond attachment to these passing moments but I am also human. Beautifully human and I want both. I want feet in the earth, fire in my heart and head in the clouds. Like Liz, maybe I need four feet because it seems my wings have been working overtime.

What I can say is that I am not numbing. I am not over-indulging in food or alcohol or people. I am here. I am present. Im not numb. I know how I feel, but it is just not filling me. I am not being governed by my emotions, which typically I am. I guess it was just something I was not used to. It has been a while since I reached for contemplation over the desperate type of connection. But now because of that, I am able to say my connection no longer comes by any means necessary. I am not interested in being in relationship with people who show little to no interest in being in relationship with me.

I think that because I did so with a clear and present mind shows how much my work has been workING. It shows me that I am loving myself. It shows me that I am caring for myself. It shows me that I am clear on my values and my convictions. It shows me that I started internally, which makes me happy.

I do not want to be completely detached. I do not want to be desperate for connection. I want a balance. I want to connect with those who have earned the right to hear my story. I want to connect with those I can show up to, be seen with, and whom I can love with my wholeheart. I am in the process of crafting the life I want to live and that started from the inside, but the outside matters too. Because if I am because we are, and I need you to bring me into existence, then it assumes that you have your eyes open. And that you are willing to see me.

Loss...when I think back on it, I did not lose anything. The things (and people) that left me? My life has already restored and replenished. The people...in the two broken connections I was given one genuine one. I had to let it, them, go, though. I had to. Because I was stuck in the monkey trap and damn it I was tired of starving.