A circle in the sand

I was considering the ten books that had managed to stay with me over the years. One was former president George W. Bush's Decision Points. I think the thing that was so profound to me about this book was how the small decisions, our sliding door moments, really end up being the things that bring us to our life's most defining times. Each is a piece in the puzzle, like Slumdog Millionaire. Earlier in the day I heard the following in Mara Brock Akil's show Being Mary Jane:

It says that the universe already knows our heart’s desires and if we just keep our radios dialed to gratefulness all of what we want will be ours. So that’s our work, just staying grateful even when faced with the storm of life...It changed my life. I mean, It helped me realize everything that is happening in my life, I called into existence so I could reach my goals. Just take comfort in knowing that everything that you are going through is preparing you for what you asked for.”

It was the same concept. That somehow the things we are experiencing right here right now in this very moment are preparing us for the thing we desire most in this world. What is that for me? To be a writer. Speaker. Facilitator. Educator. Researcher. World-Traveler. Mom.

And right now this...I am sowing seeds. I am sitting in the mud. Lonely so much of the time, the better to enjoy my own company and know what my company entails. Writing for an empty audience, the better to practice the art of making it a sort of active meditation where the message flows through me to please no one. Struggling financially, the better to appreciate the value of a hard earned dollar when I am a woman of means. A doctoral student with not a word of her dissertation written, the better to understand process. The iterative nature of my work and realizing it as a amalgamation of not just my labor but the toil of all who supported me lending conversations ears red ink pens and white out.

Jessica, You are EXACTLY where you are supposed to be. Experiencing EXACTLY what you need to become EXACTLY who you know you were born to be. Fear not. Worry not. Inhale the recognition of what was. Exhale continuous gratitude for what is. Stand firm in the light of that which has yet to come.

But will.