Waiting to sing

I was attempting to watch the TD Jakes lifeclass again when Oprah.com failed me. Frustrated I let my mind wonder as to what felt so thirsty for the message delivered from that class. This is coming from someone who knows her purpose, passion, and talents. What I came up with was Heather Marston who used to cheer for the Milford Wildcats in the fourth grade. Up until that year I always won the academic awards for outstanding achievement:math, science, social studies, and language arts. Autumn always wanted the art awards, Ronnie wanted the athletics awards and they were my two best friends so I wanted those for them. That year, 1994, I lost the outstanding math achievement award to Heather. Heather who wore her hair in a long ponytail with ribbons of purple and gold and on certain days she even wore her uniform. Heather who was nowhere near as good at math as I was, won because of all the improvement she had shown. I was pissed. I remember telling my mother how upset I was and her pointing out all the other awards I'd won, and saying I should be happy for Heather and her hard work. All I knew was, I wanted my damned award and I had to now be a cheerleader.

I cheered in middle and high school but I was not really much of a standout because my heart was never really in it. I did it just to prove I could and after I did it, I tapped into Heather's world, it was of no interest to me. But it did create intrigue. Now I wasn't just the smart girl. I cheered too, and that made me well-rounded. I never cared about peer approval, I wanted to be seen as exceptional to those who mattered (in my head).  The fake popularity and instant friendships conflicted with my loner tendencies, and eventually would cause me to quit.

Heather, and cheering and my motivations came to mind because they help me to understand myself. I am a person who wants to be seen a certain way and yet doesn't want to be seen at all.  I want to share my gifts and be open enough to utilize them but I want to be left alone at the grocery. I know, though, what I am capable of and what I am destined for and I want it as much as I loathe it.

My talents are excelling, and being incredibly charming. There are very few people I have ever been unable to talk to. My passion is connecting with people and writing. I believe my words are just an extension of connections though. It is my way of bearing myself giving others permission to do the same. My purpose is to awaken others to their potential. To help them be the best they can be. And to honor and recognize the god within them.  When I was told my life was not about me, it was about saving others', when I was told that I needed to share my testimony, when I was told I was bigger than body...I believed it. I did so with my whole heart and still do.

And so, that is why I have to get over it. I have to figure out a way to sing in the quiet. To stop dulling myself, dimming myself, and just shine. That is what I'm supposed to do. So I need to get on about the business of doing it.