The Cost of Love
I had two thoughts this weekend.
- I saw a woman dancing at the salsa club. She had on a red dress, wild wavy hair and she was the most beautiful woman to me. I literally could not take my eyes off of her. Was she the most exceptional beauty the world would ever see? No. It was her carelessness. Her spirit that shone through, I saw her light and it was just... effervescent. I immediately questioned the situation; me standing at a club staring at a woman wondering how I could be more like her? Will it come from hours in the gym? Will it come from a sew in and 18'' spanish wavy? Will it come from the perfect red dress found after dedicating hours in the mall? She was shining. Her light was not hidden, it was a full moon in the night sky and I want that, not in a covetous way but in a way that acknowledges my own light and the permission I have to shine. Which bread the second thought
- The saying "when I look at you, I see myself," came to me as I sat in mass listening to Father Matthew speak about having an attitude of gratitude and warning us of the dangers of expectation. I connected the dots that when I look at my friends, I see parts of myself or even if I see a stranger and I judge them, I am really judging myself. The things I love in others are the things I hold to high esteem/regard and the things I loathe are the parts of myself repressed or undisclosed. So I dedicated two prayers tonight which I will keep private, but one was to someone I found myself judging and had to ask myself what was really going on in ME to not see the beauty in someone? The danger of expectation is that sometimes we can expect the worst in people (and then we miss out on some of God's greatest masterpieces stuck in the confines of ego)...or the very best (often in my case) but the beauty of love is that we accept them wholly just as they are, at their best or worst.
A well developed ego costs us love. When I thought of it like that I was very averse to the idea of serving self. It was a more visceral reaction than ever to think that I am living to take care and show concern for my own life over the lives of others. NO! We are one, and I shall regard no human's life as more precious than the other, right? Solidarity and equity. But most of all, love.
Tiek had the good sense to point out the fact that we (my girlfriends and I) truly are each others' soul mates and since I accepted that truth I've felt less pressure about my romantic future. Not that I've settled into ideas of single as a way of life, but more that I know that I am not alone in love. I would do anything in the world for those women and they would do the same for me. We take care of each other. We mess up, and we fail but we know we have each other. That is priceless. That is the enemy of ego. Unconditional love is the nemesis of self. I'm all about that life. How can I help? What can I give? How can I be there? Continue to show me.