It Happened Today

TW/CW: Rape, Sexual Assault, PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Self Harm, Eating Disorder

 I did not “ask for it” in any way. My clothes were not provocative. I said “no” to the point of tears until I was physically made to keep quiet. It was not just “rough sex” as the detective would ask me the day after when I made my police report. This wasn’t a misunderstanding, this was rape. I said no. He told me it wasn’t my place to tell me no.  I’d never been in a fight before that night. No grade school scuffles or screaming matches. My first fight was for my life with a 6’8” 300+ lbs sexual predator. Now, when I’m provoked, I go back to that place. He’s still inside me, and that was the thing I NEVER wanted.  

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Timing Is Everything

 I am not who I used to be. I feel so strong, and present and centered and most of all, I feel like love. I forgive myself for everything I did to survive the rough waters. I love myself for never giving up. I trust myself. I care for myself and I know I’m going to move forward in life with the intention of prioritizing my souls peace.

If it took me losing everything to learn what was most important, then it was well worth the journey. I’ve gotten over the “okay God, I’m ready for the come up” rush. I’m learning to enjoy where I am. In this moment, of survival but promise and of limited means but limitless faith.

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The Homeless PhD: Will Pontificate For Food

When I couldn’t pay my bills, I felt like less of a human. Less of a woman. Less of a capable and able bodied adult. when I’m actuality, I was just broke. That’s it. My income or lack thereof should not, and will never again, dictate who I KNOW myself to be. Still, our society says “you’ve made it” when you can claim a six figure salary, have a beautiful craftsman style single family home, drive a nice German car and take family vacations to the happiest place on earth. I had to dissociate myself from that narrative and create my own.

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I am…

I believe this much firmly, when you have unshakeable knowing of who you are, decisions are easy to make. When you start to doubt or wonder or allow other people places and things to inform that decision, decisions become more difficult. Our ego is a fan of applause, hungry and dependent on external roles, relationships, or material things to define you. But your Soul doesn’t need it. She knows who she is and what she wants and isn’t interested in arguing about it, in fact you’ll find She will never argue. Find that voice inside yourself and follow her to the end of the earth if you have to, because if your soul lead you there then there must have been something you needed to see, even if it was just for the view.

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2019: Secure Your Self

The bag, in all its instagrammable glory, will not keep you whole, Sis. 

I had a job. I had a car. I had a condo. I had friends. I had vacations and happy hours and everything I could’ve ever wanted in life and yet when I was assaulted? everything I “had” couldn’t fill the void of Me.  

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Feeling Seen on Reality TV

For the past week I have been binging the Bravo hit franchise “Real Housewives of Potomac”. First let me say I approached the show with heavy skepticism because, quite honestly, I have to take Housewives in doses; used to the wild over-the-top antics on franchises like Atlanta or New York. However from the very first episode of Potomac, I was hooked.

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Love Based Life or Fear is Boring

I was scared as shit to record this video. Then, I recorded. I cried (a few times). I edited very lightly, just cutting out a few sneezes and coughs and then I hit upload. I set an intention for this post that it yield eyes. That people share it and begin to ask themselves how fear is holding them hostage? Then, I hope that people book my services. I hope that I can begin to grow and have the universe affirm my career choice as a metaphysician, healer, artist and educator.

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Back To School

Teaching changed my life. I can’t quite describe what happens when I step in front of a classroom to instruct a course, but I can tell you it’s magical. I wring myself out in my classrooms, giving my students every ounce of my energy in those hours. It’s an exchange of energy dedicated to inquiry and wonder rather than right answers. It’s an invitation to join in cognitive play with a purpose. Have you ever been present for 2 hours while trying to also make a point? It ain’t easy. 

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All In

I did what I said I was never going to do again—resign from a position without another one secured. Granted, I was not expecting to quit my job. I was asked to resign for reasons I have hypothesized and agonized to death over for weeks now. Even though I know, ultimately, it was only a matter of time. I tell myself they did me a favor. Something I never would have had the guts to do on my own. Leap.

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Cancer versus Crazy

 ...there just seemed to be so much immediate love and understanding that having cancer means every bit of strength you have goes to fighting cancer so your community steps up to help cover the other bases. Meanwhile here I was wishing for death in a mind that had fractured and what I got was “it’ll pass soon.” “Hang in there Jess” “sending love and light”. I don’t want fucking love and light, I need HELP. I need the same kind of help someone with cancer needs. I’m hurting too. I’m fighting too. I’m trying, too!

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Bare

Today my job broke up with me. I cried. Not in protest, but because I have never failed at anything so vital before. But since my diagnoses it seems like work for me is increasingly more difficult.

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Why I’ll never apologize for loving Sex...and the City

These women were revolutionary for the time. I didn’t care they were white. That their rent to income ratios didn’t make sense. That there were problematic tropes—nobody even SAID the words “problematic trope” in 1995. I don’t look for art to be perfect, I look for art to move me. And this show grew me and a whole generation of girls into women.

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Cunning Linguist

Remember back in elementary school when you got those progress reports with grades but also conduct scores? Well my progress reports my ENTIRE LIFE and Della can vouch always were straight A's with a "NI" needs improvement in the conduct area of "Controls Talking". I couldn't shut up. My whole life.

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