It Happened Today

TW/CW: Rape, Sexual Assault, PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Self Harm, Eating Disorder

 I did not “ask for it” in any way. My clothes were not provocative. I said “no” to the point of tears until I was physically made to keep quiet. It was not just “rough sex” as the detective would ask me the day after when I made my police report. This wasn’t a misunderstanding, this was rape. I said no. He told me it wasn’t my place to tell me no.  I’d never been in a fight before that night. No grade school scuffles or screaming matches. My first fight was for my life with a 6’8” 300+ lbs sexual predator. Now, when I’m provoked, I go back to that place. He’s still inside me, and that was the thing I NEVER wanted.  

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Timing Is Everything

 I am not who I used to be. I feel so strong, and present and centered and most of all, I feel like love. I forgive myself for everything I did to survive the rough waters. I love myself for never giving up. I trust myself. I care for myself and I know I’m going to move forward in life with the intention of prioritizing my souls peace.

If it took me losing everything to learn what was most important, then it was well worth the journey. I’ve gotten over the “okay God, I’m ready for the come up” rush. I’m learning to enjoy where I am. In this moment, of survival but promise and of limited means but limitless faith.

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The Homeless PhD: Will Pontificate For Food

When I couldn’t pay my bills, I felt like less of a human. Less of a woman. Less of a capable and able bodied adult. when I’m actuality, I was just broke. That’s it. My income or lack thereof should not, and will never again, dictate who I KNOW myself to be. Still, our society says “you’ve made it” when you can claim a six figure salary, have a beautiful craftsman style single family home, drive a nice German car and take family vacations to the happiest place on earth. I had to dissociate myself from that narrative and create my own.

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I am…

I believe this much firmly, when you have unshakeable knowing of who you are, decisions are easy to make. When you start to doubt or wonder or allow other people places and things to inform that decision, decisions become more difficult. Our ego is a fan of applause, hungry and dependent on external roles, relationships, or material things to define you. But your Soul doesn’t need it. She knows who she is and what she wants and isn’t interested in arguing about it, in fact you’ll find She will never argue. Find that voice inside yourself and follow her to the end of the earth if you have to, because if your soul lead you there then there must have been something you needed to see, even if it was just for the view.

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2019: Secure Your Self

The bag, in all its instagrammable glory, will not keep you whole, Sis. 

I had a job. I had a car. I had a condo. I had friends. I had vacations and happy hours and everything I could’ve ever wanted in life and yet when I was assaulted? everything I “had” couldn’t fill the void of Me.  

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