I want to live love

 I was meditating just now and I was arriving at my usual “place”. It’s always this lush, verdant riverbank. I’m in white and when I get to that place I know I’m “locked in”. It’s where I can always hear the clearest. Anyway so I’m arriving there only instead of being beside the river I was in it. I could taste water and grass and dirt. It was filling my lungs and I wasn’t fighting it. I was inhaling. It’s like I was forcing my body to grow gills but of course what can evolve that quickly. But it’s like I drowned myself and it wasn’t an accident but it also wasn’t suicide. It’s like I knew something was special about me and I was trying to force it out. I was trying to trigger my super power. I came to, coughing still tasting river water in my lungs. Past life shit? This is actually my biggest fear. That I’m not as special as I think I am. And that I will live an ordinary life. Like Walter from A Raisin in the Sun. And then something in me says share that. Say that. Tell the story of the living artist. The creative who exists in the liminal space of what is and what could be. Curiouser and curiouser.

I am a healer. I know that. And I am an artist. I know that too. But my superpower is turning on other people’s superpower. I do that by sharing my process. Telling how the sausage is made. Affirming you that you’re not crazy. Pushing you to trust your Self. Saying forget what you should do, and asking you what it is you WANT.

Another thing I’ve learned about myself is, I have to do things my own way. In my own time at my own pace. Not only is it how I learn, but I’m just going to end up doing it my way anyway. I wish I were a vicarious learner. But my body needs the experience. Perhaps that’s why I drowned in the river. I needed to know. I’d like to think that in this life I have learned the ability to discern. Then again, I have put myself in dangerous situations in this life as well.

I don’t want to do that anymore.

I want to live a life that reflects how sacred I know I am.

I want everything about me to radiate love. Peace. Harmony. Groundedness. Divinity. My only wish is I die real. Turns out Drake hit the nail on the head.