Honor Thy Inklings
What do you do when you have $20 in your pocket and a desperate need to relax? You cross the border and go to Mexico where your $20 becomes $40 and you give yourself everything you're craving.
I haven't been sleeping well. Worried constantly about my dad, logistics of moving, and other things out of my control. Thank God for Emma who always seems to have the right words to say. When the time comes, she wrote to me, you will have everything you need. Trust that, J. I am choosing to believe her. Somewhere inside of me, my soul is saying the same thing it's just that right now my anxiety is so loud I can barely stand the sound of my own being.
I sound cacophonous. Like scat jazz and a trumpets wail, I have no rhyme or reason but I have a desperate need to be heard. In my dream world, there would be an actual someone who could magically rub my back and assure me that, at least for a little while, they would handle the logistics and I could focus on my health. In my reality, no such being exists. I may have to splinter just to be that for myself.
If I'm being truthful, I've never felt closer to giving up. To deciding that the big, creative life I have always felt belonged to me was actually beyond me and that perhaps I need to be okay with working a regular job and just pulling my head out of the clouds. No collaborations with Beyoncé. No mentorship from Oprah. No education reform advocacy with Barack and Michelle Obama. No novels. No screenplays. No short stories. No sitting in the writers room with Donald Glover. No birthing centers. No arthouse collective. No coaching. No Good Morning America. No Oscar for best screenplay. None of it.
Then, I'll have a dream like the one I had last night. Where two of my best girlfriends assure me that I have everything it takes to have that life. My life. I have the talent and the work ethic and the attitude and the poise and the spiritual centeredness to sustain it. I have never had the problem of people not believing in me. In fact, people have been "seeing something" in me since I was a little girl. I have always been told of my strength, influence, leadership, charisma and talent. I have always been reassured that though my dreams are grand "if anyone can obtain that life and level of success, you can."
So despite the way I feel right now in this moment, I'm going to honor the inkling that my time is coming. Sooner than I think. And if I can just hold on, be faithful, continue to put one foot in front of the other and simply take the next best step, I am going to be alright. Better than alright. I am going to have the desires of my heart and peace beyond my own understanding.
Thats what I felt yesterday as I looked out over the ocean atop my horse whose name was the Spanish word for "Clown", Payaso. There was something to be said about riding a horse who is named after something that brings me incredible anxiety. A clown had approached the car on our ride down and in a flash my window was up and my eyes were shut tight. I HATE CLOWNS, I told my friend Sinai. In fact, even looking at the horse before I decided to ride I waivered. But as we galloped down the sandy terrain I thought, this is God chuckling at me. Giving me exactly the thing that scares me most and allowing me the opportunity to work with the fear. I was not in control of the horse, he and I simply had an understanding for the time we had together. Fear isn't inherently bad, being afraid is simply part of life. But, what will you do with that fear? I, unknowingly, agreed to be in relationship with my fear and the result was assurance. My soul, I remember thinking, truly is unconquerable.
Still I chuckle because none of this would've happened if I listened to my anxiety and stayed home because I "only" had $20. My lesson? Trust. Listen. Learn. Say Thank You. And believe that the universe has your very best interest in mind. The sights and sounds and vibrations that communicate with and within your body? They mean something. Tune in. That's how I got through my day and how I'll get through my life. Listening and honoring.