Inside wants Out
Cliché. Cliché. Cliché. Cliché.I've been craving something new. Something unexpected. A surprise--my word for the year. I've been thinking of ways to wear my hair differently or update my wardrobe. Toying with things on the outside when I'm sure it's some shift that's happening internally. Something's changed and I just want to see it on the outside.
I told myself I was done with men for the summer. I thought that would allow me to focus on my studies and get things moving with my dissertation. Only, it didn't. My resolve lasted all of seven days. I'm not exactly sad that I "failed" at my self imposed restriction. I am, however, wondering if the feat was crafted as a result of my shift or before it.
I've become much more clear on the answer to the question, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" There is a picture now. There is a caption for the photo that tells my story. There are details and anecdotes. Smells light and bells and scratches and stings. It's a living breathing dream now, not just misty unknown. I know the career that I want. I know my next step after graduation. I know the people I want with me. And I'm praying for the people I will need. It's come and that clarity has been a gift. I just had to let go of everything else.
I guess that's the cost of dreaming. Or...that's the cost of wanting something you can't quite name. Wanting the unknown. You have to give up what you know in order to get it. I once told P2AD that everything I ever let go of had claw marks on it. I said it to him as an insinuation that he let me go too easily. And while that truth is debatable, what I can now say is that I didn't have to hold on the way that I did.
There is a certain power that comes with acknowledging that you are bigger than your problems. That pain is not lasting and that you have the endurance and the strength to overcome it. There is tremendous ground to be gained in knowing just how amazing a being you are. I guess this was my year to learn that. Through a lot of loss, I'm learning just. How solid the ground is, anyway. The chipping away of my marble is revealing the masterpiece that always dwelled within me. I cannot be afraid of losing marble. There is something far better to be gained.
Bobby asked me what if I met someone before a year from now (when I said I'd be "ready"). I told him I'd had a talk with God and if someone came I would certainly be open to it...but that I really hoped God gave me this year. It sounds a lot like, "Lord, order my steps. And can we go this way?" So...I will even let that go. My year. And say that I am EVEN open to the surprise of falling in love this year.
I'm letting go of my plan and letting my heart guide me to the finish line. We know where we have to go. I haven't lost sight, but man how some things have becomes blurs along the way.
So maybe that's what I want to see when I look in the mirror. A woman who dares. Who makes her own rules and is following her arrow. She's fiery and sure. Warm and open. And she has a killer new haircut.