Grace under fire
It wasn't always the case that I knew how to express gratitude no matter what. I remember hearing Oprah tell the story of how she was crying on her floor and Maya Angelou told her to stop and say thank you. At the time she didn't know what to say thank you for, or even where to start but she tried anyway. Three years ago around this time I was in a similar place. I was trying to move to San Diego, I was broke, my best friend told me he was in love with me and my boyfriend and I were on the brink of breaking up. To say I was a hot mess would be kind.
Today, I'm sitting in the airport headed back to San Diego. A flight that I paid for that didn't break the bank or take my last. My "best friend" made it very clear the love isn't there, and I have no other prospects relationship wise. I am headed home to an apartment I need to pack up and move to a condo full of chaos--and I am so grateful for it all. That isn't aspiration or future focused that is right now. I am filled to the brim with gratefulness. And I am simultaneously in awe of how much that means I have grown.
Considering all the things that transpired this weekend...he wasn't the only one whose actions I was hurt by. But I had to ask myself what good does it do to keep reminding yourself of the pain? So instead I decided to be grateful. To say thank you for sparing me from a relationship that wasn't rooted in the right things. Thank you for silencing the noise in my life so that I could hear You more clearly. I had the things and people I needed.
It is interesting how that happens. How you always have just exactly enough of who and what you need. I like to think that all the people who typically would have been around but were nowhere to be found when I *thought* I needed them--their absence saved me the energy. I didn't have to expend anymore energy on that situation than I spent. It saved me, in a way. So I'm even thankful for the absences.
I told a friend today: God knew I would never let go wondering "what if"...I know that everything else I've dreamed up God has brought to pass, love will not be the exception. And that thought brings me solace. A peace that feels like the lightest most comforting grace. It's not that I'm going to be okay, it is that I am already okay--I am only going to be better.