"Is a wink like a poke?" Mis-Adventures in Online Dating

Screen Shot 2014-05-08 at 12.55.02 PMI hesitate to even write this post because I am sure it will garner much more attention than I typically desire. But admittedly, I need some affirmation that I am not, in fact, crazy and irrational. And because I am somewhat a millennial I look for validation in my cohort of online stranger besties, i.e. you--the reader. For the past month or so I've been giving online dating a sincere effort.  What does that mean? It means I made a profile with actual pictures and actual words that actually describe me and well...here's what happened:

Guy #1--> one "drink thing" (insert GIF and Carrie and Charlotte trying to decipher whether or not drinks count as a date--according to me, they do not). He suggests an actual dinner date for friday (date night, woo!) then does not call to confirm by wednesday.  Then on the night of the date he is nowhere to be found.  Long story short, he refers to himself as my boyfriend (WTF!?) and suggests that dating other men is cheating.  Result: Blocked on dating site and iPhone.

Guy #2--> Obsessed with himself, thought Dave and Busters was a "nice restaurant". No dinner, just drinks of which I paid for my own because he was late.  Horrible kisser. Nuff said. Result: Blocked on dating site and iPhone.

Guy #3--> Guy3 was actually really nice. He was just older. I mean I knew he was older when we "met" online but I didn't know he would feel older. He mentioned buying a second home on a whim, I told him I'd done the same thing at Target earlier with a pair of strappy flat sandals.  He smiled, I cringed.  Result: Thoughtful email explaining my feelings, and we peacefully parted ways the way God and Al Gore intended when he invented the internet.

Guys 4-8--> all pretended to want to date but when we actually talked, it was all about... well not dating. I am all for people being sexually liberated and free, and there is nothing wrong with soliciting a partner who is interested in the same things. HOWEVER, do not try to convince me I want a sexual relationship when I really want sushi and sake.  Say what you mean and mean what you say. Result: Inappropriate photos forwarded to friends for laughter, blocked on dating site and iPhone.

Then I thought, maybe it's because I'm using a free site. Perhaps, if I choose a paid site with a good reputation and commercials with love songs in them, I will have better luck. Wrong. First of all, most of the people on the paid site are on the free site and fall into Guys 4-8 category.  Next, because it's a paid site I feel the need to step my profile game up and write more words that describe me well.  Then there's the issue of how honest to be...

Dear Sirs,

I have an aversion to chain smoking, and chain restaurants.  I think coffee dates are weird, and hiking is something you do with people you already know. My preference would be to not be on a lonely mountain trail, tired and dirty with a complete stranger.  I haven't read that book you keep saying changed your life because I'm a doctoral student and pleasure reading is foreign to me. I don't like to surf, ski, or anything in the Pacific ocean because it is cold and not so pacific. You laughingly joke with me about how [insert inferior football conference] is better than the SEC and I assure you when I do not laugh, I am looking for an eject button. I am not a good sport, but at least I am self aware.  I believe it is weird to text someone you don't know. If we're not having dinner it is not a date, and if you expect me to pay, we're friends. I talk to my best friend everyday, I hate voicemails, I always have about 17 pens in my purse, and I'd rather go do a meal than make it. Oh and I probably drink too often, but never too much. Wine is practically necessary at this stage in my life.

Sincerely, Jess

Like is that appropriate? Because that's me... I am certainly interested to see what happens moving forward. If nothing ever happens, then I guess I can say I at least got a blog post out of it.