Owning my part
I couldn't seem to let it go. I was held tight to the idea that here was this man here were these feelings, this picture in my mind must come to pass--and now! I wanted to let it go. I could feel the desperation then the fear. I could sense the faux urgency. And I could see him stepping back, which was the opposite of what I wanted. I couldn't stop myself though. I needed the nearness of everything he was and everything I'd made him out to be. I continually asked myself, "What is it really that you're afraid to lose?" Then it dawned on me. Weeks nearly a month later, I didn't want to lose any more solid ground. When I gave up my dream (my pseudo dream) of tenure track faculty or higher education administration I gave up a lot. It has not overwhelmed me to consider just how much but I know that it left me standing on one leg at the summit of a rock hill. Embracing the unknown...isn't that what Terri's conference was all about? How do you open your arms wide enough to embrace all the possibility of what could be? Do we stretch that wide? Truthfully, planning is a lie. It's a carefully concocted fallacy we need to believe in to assuage our fears and startling lack of control. Because if I told myself the truth, that I am NOT the master of my fate NOR the captain of soul, it might be earth shattering.
What is the reality of it? That the law of attraction is one law but it is not the only one. That God, or whatever name you call source energy is all we have to rely on and our "planning" is second to Gods plan for us. In a way it's flattering. To consider that God is using me to advance this universe in some small way that could only be done through me. In that small way I feel incredibly valuable. And in another way I feel shaky. As though faith does not provide me with enough of a wingspan.
I needed him and I needed us because I needed to feel like I was still in control. That the world around me still made sense. That my plans were not in vain, that even if I failed at the rest I could pass at this. And it wasn't fair of me to do that to him. I need to take responsibility for the energy I brought into the silence. And then...
I need to open up and trust. Not myself, not him, not that whatever will be will be but that what will be was decided before my first breath. That I am here for a reason and that reason is to grow into a mountain. This was an exercise in faith. Though not of our relationship, like I previously though. It was an exercise in faith in God and the way of the universe (and of its timing). My rock hill crumbled but I did not fall nor suffer bruises or scrapes. In this time of uncertainty I ask that my faith sustains my proximity to the heavens. Which of course means belief in the utility of my wings.
My therapist said today, "If you still have the same belief about yourself, you will attract the same lesson." We were talking about worthiness. If I believe myself to be unworthy then I will attract opportunities to re-learn the lesson: that I am not. It is about unearthing faulty beliefs and forgetting about these rock hills we have built...they are not real anyway. Because if I hear the truth, that I am worthy and I deserve unconditional love and acceptance, then I will attract it.
I may be a slow learner, but I learn.
There was a reason I wanted I was entertaining the idea of a "defying gravity" tattoo...Something has changed within me/Something is not the same/I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game/Too late for second-guessing/Too late to go back to sleep/It's time to trust my instincts/Close my eyes and leap/It's time to try defying gravity.