If we're being (way too) honest...
A conversation between one of my very best friends and I. I often get told as a writer I write my heart here on this blog...but the truth is I do not want to only write it here. I want to live it always and this is a perfect example of being the type of person in real life that I am on the pages. I have a-ha moments. I admit my mistakes. I fall down and get up again and sometimes it takes me a while. I need help from those around me but I keep a good team. This is evidence.
KSO: how goes it?
Jessica Williams: today? Great. Yesterday was not so great. It was just one of those days....I was feeling sad and rejected and hurt and all the things. I just wanted to NOT feel all that stuff. But am very proud of myself, I didn't drink, smoke, have sex, spend money or any other numbing behaviors. I just sat on my couch watching RomComs and crying.
KSO: oh man! :( ese no bueno
Jessica Williams: Eh...it goes in waves. slooooowly getting over the whole [P2AD] thing.
KSO: yeah it definitely is not going to be a one day or a few day thing when you all had such a long history. Patience sucks but they do say its a virtue, its a building process. You are being wonderfully crafted and sculpted by God. I think its amazingly fantastic :) that is when you know something good is in store for you, when you are at that stage and you can see, hear, sense, and almost taste the signs of God's wonder. It's a difficult state but a good state to be in all at the same time to have that moment of continual clarity...to me, it is a rush like none other
Jessica Williams: I feel like...IDK I woke up yesterday with absolute clarity that those things didn't work out because they were not supposed to. That wasn't the plan for me and I'm like okay but....what is?!?!
KSO: the wait!
Jessica Williams: I could have been more okay with waiting if I hadn't just got slapped with cold ice water a month ago. And I know THAT was about me listening and trusting AND putting myself out there. Because I typically do not do that. I have total faith that what happened should have. Like on one hand I'm at peace, but it does not change the emotional backlash. Well really...just a really hurt ego.
KSO: it does not, but soon you will have whole peace instead of just one hand of it :)
Jessica Williams: I patiently await it...I was thinking about it yesterday talking [a] group of girlfriends...when you love someone friend, BF/GF/ etc. its because they see in you what you see in yourself. They love the you, you feel you are. So...then in the situation of [P2AD] I thought he loved that me and when everything happened I was left questioning who I was in some respect. It was immediately dismissed or at least combated internally because I am pretty self aware. But never the less it introduced doubt into a stable system.
KSO: well you already know you just have to move past it and we cannot say whether he does not love you or not, that would be speculation. for all we know, he is going through his own wall of hurt, pain, shame, guilt and he is having a hard time expressing it to even the people that he does love that does not reflect on you that is an issue he would have to deal with
Jessica Williams: yes, but you know....original sin was trying to assuage curiosity. I had to understand it to move through it. I can forgive his actions but I won't forget the effect that the consequences of his actions had on me. And I don't choose to ever call myself into question again.
KSO: undoubtedly i do not think that is something to forgive i mean forget, forgiving is another story, but i do not think his actions or inactions can be forgettable. I dont want you to harbor unforgiveness and let it eat away at you because of his (in)actions or response. That hurts you, not him
Jessica Williams: No, and that's what makes this hard. And tricky to navigate. As bad of a day yesterday was, I needed yesterday to get me to that point of clarity.
KSO: i know we on the same page here lol. but in case, you missed some small facet or you just do not mind hearing your thoughts outwardly from someone else, i will happily say them to you
Jessica Williams: haha, no its a good thing. I'm probably about to blog this conversation...because its just that good.
KSO: good. God is working. You are healing. I am blessed to be a part of the process and be with you as you go through it.
And while it came to no resolution, it never does because that is life.