Three: Speak Now
I was reminded today of something that saved my life after my life was saved. Maybe a week after my car accident, I was still sore..still in braces...couldn't even comb my hair because of the lacerations from the glass or the road or some combination of the two, and my friends came to take me to Target. I had to sit in one of those electronic scooter things because I had no ability to really move well...I was self conscious and in pain, and it was then I met my first angel. She came up to me and she placed her hand on my arm, and she said, "You will heal, and when you do you need to tell your story. And you need to never stop telling it." It is, to this day, the reason I am so passionately consumed with writing. I realize, though that my story or any of our stories could be told in a variety of different ways and mediums, the how is not important. It is just important that we do it.
Last week as part of the Brenè Brown online course she had us make a list of the people whose opinions matter to us. The people who if they give us their opinion, weigh heavily in our decision making. The people who really really, when the rubber meets the road, matter. I had three people. What that exercise provided me with was the ability to reframe my thinking. Because ironically, those three people more than anything want me to do and be nothing more than Me. They want me to act from my heartspace, and live full out.
When I was getting ready the next morning I was fretting over my hair and my outfit when a moment came and I had to push the opinions of those who don't matter out of my head. The fear of being judged is a real one. And as much as I act in spite of it, it'd be great to act because of it. Because I know other peoples judgment is not about me. Just as our judgment is not about others. It is about a lack of unconditional acceptance of self, and seeing the things we don't like in ourselves, broadcast on different people. And I can't live my life hoping and praying I don't trigger people. Because I will always fall short of that prayer.
My life is big. It is colorful, it is bright and a lot of the time I make no apologies for it. I tell my story. I will never stop telling it. And I recognize that really, that's all any of us are doing. We are telling our stories in our love, our hobbies, our friendships, our careers, our homes, etc. and if the story we are telling does not match the who of Who we are, then we have the power to change it, because we are the authors and we are the narrators.
I think in this life I have been visited by three angels that I knew of. One woman, two men. Each one encouraged me in a way that was impossibly uncomfortable at the time. The first said speak now the second said trust and grow the third said love and laugh. I did not and do not take their words lightly. And at the same time that I ponder, I know exactly why I am remembering them right now at this very moment.