I woke up this morning to my phone going off. It was making noises and I thought it was my alarm so when I slapped it and it didn't stop I had to wake all the way up and figure out the situation. I should probably note that I 200% despise being woken up. Looking at my phone, I see messages from him. Cue a floodgate opening and every single emotion under the sun crashing through. In his omnipresent elusive way he hints at things being "up and down" lately. I know that when he sent it he would know two things: 1. That I would immediately ask what's been going on? And 2. That I'm still invested. And I know this because he knows me. Still. So I turned my phone off and rolled back over and went to sleep.
When I woke up I was angry. I wrote him back a message that didn't inquire about his ambiguous hint and ended it with "I'm good". He hates that. And I know because I know him. Maybe I shouldn't have responded at all. I think he does it just to see if I still care. Because he gets hurt when it seems I've forgotten him. I really really wish I could.
Then I got mad at myself. And I growled to the universe, "Can I please request a partner with emotional maturity?!" I remembered how deep this stuff can run and how long it can linger if it runs that deep.
And even though I don't believe it (entirely) Im gonna say it: loving that much is stupid. I'm self aware to know that this after last night feels like a double dose of rejection, but this one hurts far worse. I honestly just wish he'd go away and stay away. Or stay. Selfishly he wont do either.
Thou shalt not be an emotional anorexic: pretending to be full off of crumbs.