Chasing Pavements

It was one of those total fluke pictures that made me look pounds lighter than I actually am. It was kind of alarming to see, because I wasn't looking for it at the time. Much like Cher from Clueless, I like to photograph my outfits in the morning and judge them based on the photo versus the mirror. I am convinced the mirror can lie. So, the picture was taken and I ended up changing the outfit and thought nothing of it until I went to delete the picture today. image

Total fluke, right? Anyway it got me to thinking. I sent it to my person and she said Ooh you look skinny! Oddly I winced. I responded, its a fluke! You just saw me. She said "you are not going to be an obese bride." Seriously, my biggest fear.

I realize that I have a thing. I like for things to appear a certain way. I mean, I like for them to be a certain way too, its not solely about looks...but I prefer put together. I do not think its entirely unhealthy, and I've wondered if its about impressing others and to some extent, sure, I guess it is. However, I can say that I feel more at peace when I am in a beautiful space that is intentional and clear. That carries out in nearly everything I do, wardrobe included.

That being said, I looked at this picture and thought about my fear of hills. It was interesting, I'd just written two professors about Avatar: The Last Airbender and so maybe the ideals were fresh on my mind. But I was considering how I met each hill I encounter with trepidation and disdain. That's the energy I give to earth, and what does that say? What does that do? Throughout my neighborhood there are a few hills and as I've considered walking I, of course, consider these hills. I also consider them on campus although I walk up one everyday.

Why do I fear hills? Earth is the opposite of air. It quite literally represents all the things I avoid in have the most control when their feet are on the ground. We could honestly stop there, I live in the sky in every way. Imagination isnt grounded, its everything but! I can't relate to this sentiment at.all. Also, earth is solid, enduring, and utilizes neutral jing which requires patience and waiting. Couldn't be less me. I hate both.

So, I had a talk with myself. I asked if I was going to allow earth to keep me from meeting my goal. I asked if I was going to fear hills or be one. Be one in the sense that I am strong, tall, and immovable.

If you want to move a rock, you have to be like a rock yourself

I have known this before. I have even said this before. I have not, however, felt connected to this before. I've not really understood what was meant by being a rock. Or a hill. Or any element of earth. I get it so clearly now, though. Its that kind of clarity that I imagine that limitless pill gave, where things even seemingly unrelated become married and relevant.

I am ready to chase pavements. I am ready to master earth.

post publishing... I went to upload this post to facebook, as I do every post as of late and I was met with hesitancy. Not at sharing, exactly, I realized a while ago that sharing is powerful and necessary. I was hesitant because I've done this before. I've made proclamations before and seemed hopeful and yet, remained woefully distant from my fitness goals. So here I was again publishing a post and I was not even sure I believed myself. Major problem.

I am really grateful I caught myself in that thought. Right now, I realize that I am asking myself to believe in the impossible. That is how it feels, to at least some part of me. I have to acknowledge that. I do not, however, have to empower that. I believe in the very best in people and I believe in the very best in myself. So dubious self, I hear you and I respectfully disagree with you. This is not impossible and I intend to prove it.