Scared of lonely
I was talking to A last night and admitted to her something I've noticed about myself within the last month: I have abandonment issues. Its weird because, I am also an introvert and spent the first 12 years of my life as an only child so being alone is commonplace. However, there is a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. And sometimes one has absolutely nothing to do with the other. I pulled cards while my person was here. We sat in my floor and I did a spread where 3 out of 5 cards mentioned loneliness, abandonment, isolation, and solitude in various forms. I know that is a fear for me...that if I indulge my talents, my interests, and my passions there will be a divide between myself and the people I love. I realize this is a bit irrational, but its so very true for me. I love closeness.
I'd told my person a few months ago that I think I do want a wedding, just to be surrounded by the love of family and friends. But as I settle into my quietness, I think that comes from a place of...need. A place of needing proof of many things that, I very much want to know regardless of a guest count. Largely, I really want to know myself. Because I think when you know yourself, you don't need in that same way. Not that all weddings are about that, but for me...its not for the right reasons.
When I think of the things I need to let go of I drill down to the core of one thing: validation. I keep doing things to prove a point of some sort, but to whom? And why is anyone allowed so much control over my attitudes, thoughts, and actions? I believe that if I keep discovering, keep questioning myself, then I can let go of needing affirmation from external sources. I really want to concentrate my efforts on my relationship with the divine, my divinity. Its so easy to lose focus.
I made a promise to myself to begin each day with meditation and to end it with prayer. To treat my body as a sacred vessel, and to remember I am not in need--I am enough. Its interesting...the times that I come to these conclusions are always in times of great uncertainty and physical and/or material depletion. Why does it take a reaping for me to turn inward? That's the lesson.
I do not want to be afraid to be left because that does not say anything about me. I want to be clear in my knowing that when people leave it is not because of some personal deficiency of mine. I want to make it clear, and I don't want to be afraid of lonely. I am not being abandoned. Everything and everyone I need is here and never leaves.
Carrie asked Big why they decided to get married and he said, "because we were afraid of what it would mean if we didn't." I think that's so relevant. Its not so much that I'm alone but what does it mean that I am. What does it mean if I don't find this "one" if I don't have kids and a home and pottery barn kids rooms? I don't want to be governed by the what ifs. Nor do I want to entangle my definition and appraisal of self in social norms. Breathe. Yield. Love.