Guilt and Divine Distrust
I was talking to KSO about my current financial situation. Prior to her I was telling Ken and MV that financial issues are always my crux; I can trust in the sufficiency of this life and of the divine except when it comes to money which inevitably begets guilt over not being faithful enough. I firmly believe that we keep getting the test until we learn the lesson and so I have been sincerely trying to be better at money management. I have been pretty good its just that being unemployed for two months is a bit hard, especially when you have visitors and a trip planned. I had be stressing and woke up yesterday with pain in my lower back and I said outloud ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. As I was talking to KSO she affirmed the test theory, and she also reminded me that this is why we have each other. I will sincerely never forget everyone that rallied behind me to get me to San Diego and I know they did it out of the kindness of their hearts but I feel it necessary to always pay their blessing forward. When you see how freely your loved ones pour into you, it makes you want to pour into others in that same way so that they can feel the love you feel. I have never been in a position where when I asked for help it was not given to me. It would serve me well to remember that. Even if I do have to ask for help, it is okay <--huge huge HUGE life lesson that only took me 27 years to learn.
The thing that I have come to realize is that being a good person (friend/daughter/partner/etc.) is that when you are authentic your life reflects that. I genuinely feel like my life is full of so many blessings and that lets me know that I am where I'm supposed to be doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and that I am a good person. I sincerely would do anything in the world for my loved ones, I think that therein lies the trouble with love--Ken and I have discussed. When you give 100% you can't be with someone who gives any less than that or eventually you're left unfulfilled and empty, you have to have someone who pours into you. That is true of everything, career, family, friends, and life partners.
It is when I take my eyes off of what I have and begin to focus on all the things I do not that I find frustration (the smart person would cease to do so). I have to try to remember a little tweet I sent one random night:
I've been very careful in my requests to God, linguistically. I don't want to go 'somewhere' that's anywhere, and everywhere isn't for me.
In the same vein, I don't want 'something' that's anything and everything isn't for me. I have to trust that the things in my life are the things that, at least for right now, should be. I have every.single.thing that I need. I have every ONE that I need. And when there comes a time when I need something/one/where else, it will come. I have to trust in the natural order and provision of the divine.