Pride
On this, my 1000th blog post its all too ironic that I find myself so full of pride which for me is a pretty rare thing, we all know that story please allow to share with you why I am so elated:
- I applied for a new job. A job that will give me more direct access to students. A job that will give me an office, and experience in work that will only help to add breadth to my experience in higher education. A job that excites me. A job that I am qualified for and a job that I am confident about. It used to feel strange to look at the long list of "qualifications" on a professional job and see them all laid out knowing that I had "some" but not "all" of them. In a way I guess one could say I have stepped into my abilities because there is no doubt in my mind that this job is mine.
- I made up with a good friend of mine. We had stopped talking for reasons that feel much too trivial to even acknowledge, but I have missed her and am happy to have her back in my life. She is one of the few people in life who feels like sunshine.
- I decided that next year (summer of 2013) I am going to get a place on the beach. I am allowing myself the next year or so to get my credit together, get myself furniture, and save for the move. It makes no sense to live in San Diego and never have lived at the beach. So I will. And yes, alone. Or at least without a roommate.
- I have renewed faith in my Khloe Kardashian dream. Last night I met two women who married after very short courtships with a no-frills wedding. It gives me hope that I can still pursue my degree without distraction and not feel like I need to date and dissertation. I do not need to add a 5 year space between graduation and motherhood (necessarily) and I can remove that pressure from myself.
- I write every day. Or at least in my head. Sometimes I write it down, but I think in prose. I think about writing even when I cannot. I dream about words and I listen for stories whenever I am sitting in the company of others. I have a story and am not afraid to share my story. I love to hear other people's stories. My world is wonderland.
- My mother is my hero and every day I realize just how amazing a woman she is. I think not only of what she has done for me, but of words she has given me, the voice she helped to shape that is mine, the values she instilled in me, and how even though God does not make parents (he makes children) I ended up the luckiest woman in the world to have been given such an amazing mother. She really is the reason I am who I am.
What do you do after you have reached 1000 posts? Do you reassess where you are? Do you continue doing what you've been doing? You just continue. At least that is my answer. I just plan to continue. I promise nothing because I know not what lies ahead of me. I find it particularly appropriate that the quote Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend, came to mind. Know that even though I have a voice it is not the voice. I give every bit of praise to God/Shiva/The Universe/ The Transcendent/ etc. Call it what you want but there is a divine governor of us all and that is to whom I give my praise.
I was told last night never to ignore that voice. That I could sell myself a dream and try to convince myself I didn't need _________ but I would have to sell myself that dream every.single.day for the rest of my life. That is exhausting. Give me truth, give me purity, give me honesty. Strip me of pretense and just let me be.
I have never felt far from God.
I was asked if I thought I would stay in San Diego after graduation. I am asked this often and sometimes I say no, sometimes I say we'll see. But I considered the question this morning and I decided that I am going to open myself up to the possibility. I miss home, I miss the beautiful comforts of the South, but the thing is...home is not going anywhere and I get to illustrate my story. It can look like whatever I want it to. I can color it beautiful. I can paint it home or I can design a new adventure. I might end up at Harvard--who knows?
It feels nice to be in a place where you are proud of the person you are and excited about the person that you have the potential to be. I have often seen it as a curse, being able to see the potential in others but I am beginning to see it in myself and it feels more like a blessing than a burden. It felt like looking up into the sky and feeling the sunshine wrap you up and hold you. It felt like the breeze setting a field of dandelions into motion. It felt like all the things that make you close your eyes and smile.
I am so happy for every tear that I have cried because it watered me. Every raisin left in the sun has fertilized my earth and I stand here proud and ready to bloom. That is how I feel right now. That is what courses through my veins, rapid and consuming like whatever the opposite of venom is. That's something like wonderful. That's something like God. That's something like 1000 for 1000.